Pastor Paul was preaching. My thoughts turned to a friend. I had high hopes of really getting to know her this semester. In fact, when the semester first started we had a pretty good heart to heart and even made plans to get together every week to figure out who Jesus really is. But the following week I asked her when she wanted to talk again and she never got back to me. When I asked again the next week, no response. Which is ok. I thought it better to back off and let her know that whenever she wanted to start up the convo again we could. So instead of having face to face interaction I decided I would take to actively praying for her.
NAU's spring break was approaching and she was gonna leave early to get as much home-time in. She's told me that when she's home there are certain people that she cannot say no to. When they ask her to drink this, smoke this, she'll do it to let them know she's right there with them. So I prayed, "God, please just let her be so bored by all these other things that she'll crave You. Let the things that she finds so much comfort in crumble till there can only be You." Honestly, I just want to see her Love God more than anything else and that's where these prayers stemmed from.
Then the earthquake happened in Japan, and tsunami warnings were sent to where she lives. In the end, thankfully she was not affected by a tsunami.
That following Sunday I was in church and listening, but when the pastor mentioned the earthquake my mind kinda drifted. Which brings us back to the top, where my thoughts turned to a friend. Here's what I wrote in my journal/diary after church about some of my thoughts:
Pastor Paul was preaching. My thoughts turn to this friend and the tsunami scare. I wonder if it has affected her? Has it caused her to become serious about her life and about God? I thought about words I could use about the tsunami warning as a tool for in a way scaring faith into her. Then I heard in my heart, "The gospel isn't about fear - it's about hope and life. Light in darkness." I realized suddenly fear and manipulation should never be the tools of ministry. Yeah, sometimes bad circumstances are what awaken us to new life, but Christianity isn't a twisting of the knife of our human condition, Christianity is a restoring, redeeming and healing of our wounded condition. God's kindness is meant to draw us to repentance - Romans 2:4.
And then for some reason I cried. HAHA, ohhhh of course I did. I'm not exactly sure why, if it was for shame or joy, cos in that moment I think I felt a little of both. But man, in my own life, fear and manipulation have played such a big role. First of all, I am Korean. Second of all, I grew up in the Korean Church. I recognize that I have been both the inflictor and inflicted of fear tactics used for manipulation to attain specific results. I feel a little sick to my stomach when I recall some of the moments where I've done this and am thankful God allowed me to recognize this specific area of fear and manipulation this past Sunday in such a real and tangible way. God, continually release these tools of folly from my own hands and further me along on the path of FREEEEEEEDOM! [end journal entry]
To close, as I was writing all this down, I got a movie flashback: Ben.freaking.Hur. If you haven't seen this movie, please do. In the movie, a Jewish prince is betrayed and sent into slavery by a Roman friend and once attaining freedom only lives for revenge. The Kingdom of God does not consist of talk but of power, and the Gospel is not fear and manipulation but is itself life and light. Here are the last lines of the movie, after Ben-Hur witnesses the crucifixion of Jesus:
Judah Ben-Hur: "Almost at the moment He died, I heard Him say, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." Even then. And I felt His voice take the sword out of my hand."
