Hello Friends,
So, I found it really hard to write anything here the first few months of being in Flagstaff because I think the newness of everything made it really hard to get a grasp on anything. In fact, I can honestly say that during my first few weeks I felt pretty out-of-body and disconnected. Also, personally in my life I was in a state of kind of being an inward person (even more so than I already am) and wanted time to strengthen and rebuild my inner-person with just me and God. Here's the short version: it's been pretty dang good.
Here's the somewhat less shorter version (since the long version would be like... a book):
Before coming to AZ, I tried to make a list of expectations about what I would like to see happen/change in me during my time here. A few of my things got stolen in November, including my journal, so I don’t have that entire list with me, which is alright because honestly most of what I wrote were things i thought would be nice rather than things I genuinely sought after. Fortunately, I do remember the one thing on the list that I was really serious about: to be certain of the things I believe. I think that God has allowed me to get to that point, or at least get further along in that point. Throughout my time in AZ, all these experiences meshed together to bring me to a place where I can simply be certain of the things I believe.
Just to name of a few of these experiences:
- Going out to the rez and experiencing what I believe to be an encounter with a demonic spirit, which re-instilled in me in a different way than before the belief that the spiritual realm does exist and that I can choose to be either in the dark or the light. It's that simple.
- Meeting people who have just completely given themselves as servants of God, namely Pastor Al and Charlotte. They are an old southern couple who have been serving on the reservation for 30+ years. I got to hang out with just them for a weekend and they were just so fun to talk to and hang out with. And geez-louise, they are so humble and obedient to God. I hope God continues to bless them.
- My upper-classmen girls' small group. Sometimes we'd be reading a passage and they would actually moan and say "STOP, STOP READING. I CAN'T HANDLE IT!" That has been really refreshing and encouraging to experience.
Well, certainty has manifested itself outwardly in my everyday actions as surrender and obedience to God. I find that now I really try my best to be accountable to at least what I know is what God wants from me, even in the littlest and dumbest ways. For example, I don’t speed anymore on freeways. And I don’t illegally download music or movies. Like I said, dumb and little ways, but it’s a big change for me as someone who did these things for years without a second thought. This goes deeper within as well, it has changed the way I choose to react and respond outwardly and internally to various situations. What I love most, and recognize as God’s activity in my own life is the fact that I do these things not because I want to be a “moral” person, but because I want to honor God through ways that I know, especially in the things people can’t see. And it makes me so happy that I can do these things in the secret of my own heart (I guess it's not so secret now that I'm putting it out on the internet...heh). I don't usually do things unless it makes sense to me or I find the desire within myself, just ask my parents... they know this about me. So believe me when I say that It wasn't easy to get to this point of surrender. I mean, geez, streaming movies online was so harmlessly convenient and so... FREE (for me), you know?! I know there's so much more work with my flawed and fallen self that needs to be done, but I'm so grateful to be at this point. I hope the connection can be made between a lifestyle of integrity and my having become certain of the things I believe.
Like I said, I could write a book. But I'll leave it with this "less shorter version." I know that I came to AZ to serve and pour myself out in whatever ways I could, but I can't help feeling that God led me here a little bit just for me as well. God is God, God is good.
